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November 25th, 2006

[private]

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blinky
so who should show up on my doorstep...looking for the previous occupant, but still...but shindo shuichi. what the hell. the insane thing is that he seemed to have no concept of how long he'd been gone. he was pretty shocked about what had been going on...from the fact that he was gone more than a few weeks, to me dating eiri. that seemed to be what hit him hardest. which was a surprise, considering how cavalier he was about the whole thing up until that point. eiri assures me he wants nothing to do with shu...but it's all very awkward for me. shuichi wants us to go back to being friends...and i told him it won't be the same as before because i'm not the same. i guess he understands that...i'm not really sure. who can say with that guy? i don't know if i really WANT to have anything to do with him, myself. i think maybe guilt and a sense of obligation are keeping me from telling him to fuck off.

one good thing about this is that bad luck has finally been dissolved. of course, shuichi plans to work on a solo album with NG. so that worries me a bit. maybe i could beg my way back to NG, but i won't. i'll continue working on releasing my album independently, but now there are no constraints on me. that feels pretty good.

September 18th, 2006

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blinky
so i tried hanging out with johan...but he seems to be in some sort of alternate personality now. o_0 that was a shock.

but...i recently ran into eiri. that was REALLY a surprise. i was so nervous...i'm really fucking socially awkward, i've decided. i only seem able to get along easily with people like K and yasu because THEY have such an easy time talking to people. with eiri, neither one of us seems to know how to talk to the other. XD but we'll figure something out, i suppose. he's been cooking for me, and i took him to the park the other day. he's so cute. and pretty. and such an interesting person...i'm really looking forward to getting to know him again. it seems like he is in a better place now, honestly...a little happier maybe. i just hope i don't screw things up again.

September 4th, 2006

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naked
fuck. right now i'm pretty screwed. i managed to put off figuring out school shit long enough to miss the start of school. and...tohma is not going to let me out of my contract or offer a new one. meaning if i want out, i'd have to take legal action. FUCK. this is so incredibly frustrating. i have absolutely nothing to DO right now. maybe i should travel. as it stands, i have no career and no personal life. absolutely nothing. tohma says this is because he is trying to find shuichi and wants to keep the band together. what a load of shit. i don't want anything to do with bad luck. that was the fucking point. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE BAND. period. so what the fuck am i supposed to do? sue to get out of my contract? this pisses me off! i MUCH prefer my music to whatever bad luck has done. at one point i thought i was okay with making the music shuichi wanted to make...but i got pretty fucking tired of always being behind him, MY career being dependent on his whims. i don't want that. i don't want to be at anyone else's mercy anymore. i just have to figure out what the fuck to do with myself. i have never in my adult or teenage life been so without direction. i HATE it. i fucking hate it. i feel powerless and it makes me hate myself.

August 9th, 2006

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blinky
Take your chances - looking for
Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like they're girls
Who do girls like they're boys...


i just keep digging myself deeper into a hole, don't i?

August 5th, 2006

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*pout*
what in the hell is wrong with me? a few days ago i ran into K with what turned out to be his boss...i had no idea he was so young. we hung out all afternoon. they went with me to get my lip pierced and they ended up getting tattoos. it was really surprising once i realized that K and aruka-san were apparently involved as well, as they were very affectionate with each other.

we discussed going out for my birthday, and so last night we all went out to a club. it was pretty crazy. by the time i was crazy drunk (off of an apparently bad combination of jagermeister and tequila), K discovered aruka-san about to have sex with two strange men in the bathroom. o_0 K was so mad...i think he must've scared the guys away. i went to talk to aruka-san, who told me that he's not dating K...and then they ended up fighting some more, and i don't really know how that turned out. i was busy trying not to puke by then.

oh, and in the bathroom i think i made some really dumb comments to aruka-san...which ended up being strangely fitting later.

when we were going home, aruka-san apparently decided he couldn't wait to get out of the car before getting into K's pants. that was...really hot, actually.

somehow...the three of us ended up in bed together. >_> that was...shocking, amazing, hot...and i can't believe it happened. right afterward i ended up puking, finally, thanks to the alchohol. wasn't the last time, either. x_x

this morning i talked to aruka-san a little bit. i don't know what i missed, but it seems that he and K managed to talk things through and aruka-san seemed quite pleased with things. so that's good. even though it looks like they can have some real drama between them, i do think they make each other happy. i don't want to get in the way of that.

July 16th, 2006

le sigh

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remember the name
just got off the phone with my parents. yeah, they like ganging up on me. i made the mistake of mentioning the possibility of a solo contract. still waiting to discuss that, but you know, i'm excited about it. ~_~ too bad i'm the only one.

at least i'm not running short on ideas.

who the fuck did you want me to be?Collapse )

July 14th, 2006

waiting

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sunglasses
you know what's weird? this state of limbo, not knowing what my path will be like from here forward. still waiting to meet with seguchi-san and discuss some things. still undecided what to do about school.

i think this is the first time in my adult or teenage life where i have been operating without a plan. even though i know this state can't last long, and things will start coming together in one way or another...it's still strange to feel so rootless at the moment.

it's kind of okay.

July 11th, 2006

(no subject)

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sunglasses
weekend was fun. i actually ended up going out dancing with K and mika-san. now there's a friendship i didn't see coming. but it's kinda scary how well they get along. it's like an endless comedy routine...i think. they certainly seem amused with insulting each other.

July 8th, 2006

what if we could...

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blinky
What if we could
Put our lives on
Hold and meet some
Where inside of the world
I would meet you
Would you meet me?

go on...Collapse )

July 6th, 2006

[filtered for K and Eiri]

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sunglasses
talked to tohma, finally. thank god that's over. it was a pretty brief meeting...i gave him the cd and the written music and have an appointment to discuss it in a few weeks. i guess at this point it's out of my hands.

i got accepted to the university of tokyo, for psychology. so much of what happens in the next few months is beyond my control, it feels like, until i hear something from the label.

oh, and i ran into yasu at NG. >_> that was a surprise. he's...kind of a strange guy. i'm not sure WHAT i think of him!
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