fuck. right now i'm pretty screwed. i managed to put off figuring out school shit long enough to miss the start of school. and...tohma is not going to let me out of my contract or offer a new one. meaning if i want out, i'd have to take legal action. FUCK. this is so incredibly frustrating. i have absolutely nothing to DO right now. maybe i should travel. as it stands, i have no career and no personal life. absolutely nothing. tohma says this is because he is trying to find shuichi and wants to keep the band together. what a load of shit. i don't want anything to do with bad luck. that was the fucking point. I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THE BAND. period. so what the fuck am i supposed to do? sue to get out of my contract? this pisses me off! i MUCH prefer my music to whatever bad luck has done. at one point i thought i was okay with making the music shuichi wanted to make...but i got pretty fucking tired of always being behind him, MY career being dependent on his whims. i don't want that. i don't want to be at anyone else's mercy anymore. i just have to figure out what the fuck to do with myself. i have never in my adult or teenage life been so without direction. i HATE it. i fucking hate it. i feel powerless and it makes me hate myself.