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July 4th, 2006

thoughts? comments?

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blinky
i'm thinking about dyeing my hair purple. not bleaching it beforehand, so it'll be really dark, not so bright. any thoughts?

July 3rd, 2006

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remember the name
since leaving K's house, i've basically just been writing...and managed to sneak in some more studio time. i suppose maybe once i have a few finished songs i need to talk to tohma about this. i don't wanna have to do this on my own when i have a giant record label to work with...unless he's not going to cooperate. if necessary, i can go elsewhere. but i might as well try tohma first.

July 1st, 2006

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blinky
well, upon going to K's house the other night, i found him passed the FUCK out drunk...to the point where i couldn't wake him up and he seemed to be barely breathing. that was fucking scary. i didn't really know what to do, i was freaked out, so i found his keys and managed to drag him out to the car. thank god for first-floor entries. he sort of woke up during that but that really didn't make me feel any better. drove to the closest hospital and told the doctor what i assumed had happened. by the next morning he was awake, though not talking...except the not talking was a purposeful choice. >_< i had actually gone back to his house once they had him in a room and found someone's business card lying around. the next morning i called this guy while i was at the hospital...apparently he'd been there the night before while K was getting fucked up, but this kid was a real ass about it. apparently K REALLY offended him...and from what the kid says, yeah, it was even more offensive stuff than usual. once you get used to K's bullshit you kind of become immune, but i think if he was actually insulting someone on top of drinking until he couldn't any more, then obviously something is very very wrong. i'll be here at his house for a few days probably, making a nuisance of myself and being a mother hen. there are other people who could probably use some smothering but i think that's under control.

new song!Collapse )

June 28th, 2006

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it's kind of funny to feel like i am being adventurous, simply by getting a complete song recorded. i need to drop by K's and let him hear it.

it's not shakespeare...Collapse )

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blinky
i probably did a stupid thing...went back to eiri's to see what was going on. tohma was still there but he did let me in. he made dinner and we all ate...it was very weird. he told me that no matter who eiri was with, tohma would consider him the most important person in his life. i don't understand. even though tohma says he's not an obstacle for me, it doesn't feel that way. it feels like he's the biggest obstacle, like he is the one eiri really wants and needs around. but eiri apparently expected me to spend the night. and i did. we just slept on the couch. in the morning i gave him a massage to help him relax but it ended up as something else...ended with me giving him a blowjob. which i won't complain about at all. he fell asleep again after that, i took care of my own business myself, and eventually went back to sleep too. but later on he was having some sort of nightmare...his sister happened to show up, and for whatever reason didn't want me there. i managed to wake eiri up but then he was pushing me away...i just don't get it. his sister basically made me leave, though eiri said nothing about the matter. i just don't understand. i'm afraid that i am just a convenience for him. he's hot and cold...either wanting me to stay with him at all times, or telling me to go away. am i really anything more than just some toy he plays with when it suits him? i don't know. i guess i need to stay away unless he calls me or wants my presence. i shouldn't even care about this. maybe it's just because i'm lonely. but i think i'd like him anyway. maybe it's better that i find out i'm unwanted before my attachment gets even stronger, before i really have a reason to feel hurt.

June 26th, 2006

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i was gone for two weeks, and i thought everything would be fine. but it seems something happened to really upset eiri in that time. i went to see him and he was just in a horrible mood and eventually just kicked me out. after that he started breaking things. i had no idea what to do, and i didn't want to leave him, even if i was locked out of the apartment. so i called tohma, just out of desperation, i guess. he came over and had a key to get in, but the chain was on the door so we couldn't really get in. tohma said that i should leave, that it was unnecessary for me to be there. and he was right, of course. whatever it is between those two...that's a much bigger obstacle to anything i could have with eiri than shuichi could ever be. i don't know if eiri will ever talk to me again, and i'm pretty much preparing myself for this...whatever it was, to be over. i don't want it to be, but i have no say in the matter. what i can't believe is that it feels like this. i didn't think i would end up so attached to someone like this...maybe it's something shu couldn't help either. what is it about eiri that just makes him so desirable? he's a hard person to deal with. so why do so many people feel compelled to keep coming back for more? and damn if i'm not turning into one of those people.

well i think maybe i did get some inspiration out of the situation. ha. isn't that nice for me?

June 24th, 2006

[filtered for Eiri and K]

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blinky
*yawn* yeah, yeah, my happy ass is out of bed. and it's even before noon! today we'll be heading back home to tokyo. man my cousin is fun. he's just 6 months older than me and i've really missed hanging out with him. i think he felt the need to prove that tokyo is not the only good place to party. @_@ XD even so, he's gonna try to get down there one weekend so we can run around harajuku.

the scariest part was some chicks totally stalking us downtown one night...in tokyo i think everyone is kind of over bad luck, ie the out of sight, out of mind phenomenon, but out here that's not the case. i did actually meet one dude who was capable of carrying on an actual conversation. i had to laugh when he said that if we've broken up like all the tabloids say, i should put out some solo shit. if only he knew. >)

managed to get on dad's good side by informing him that i've applied to the university of tokyo. managed to stay off his bad side by failing to mention that it's not for pre-med. keeping in mind that day at eiri's when i almost got sick, i finally had to admit to myself that no, this problem has not gone away, and it would be a serious impediment in any attempts to go into the medical field. which is why i called the university and was able to change my application to psychology.

i hope that eiri has just not been checking his email and that everything is okay. >_>;;;

June 19th, 2006

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i seriously miss eiri. some part of me thinks that can't be a good thing. i am really afraid that i am going to be just as stupid as shu and fall too hard too fast. i mean, i know i can't be THAT extreme about it, and i'm not going to go off the deep end if things don't work out, but i don't know. i don't know if he sees me as anything beyond good sex (?) and a friend. maybe i'm just being paranoid, because i mean, he acted really unhappy about me leaving for two weeks. so shouldn't that be a good sign, that he would miss me? but i don't know, really. what if it just means he'll be bored without someone to entertain him. i really hate feeling like this, and it's fucking stupid to be such a girl about this. i'm not a 13-year-old girl...i'm not even shuichi. i KNOW better than to let myself get blinded by a crush. but i've never been in love before, so i really have no idea what it is i'm feeling. if shu suddenly shows up and begs forgiveness, will eiri ditch me for him? i mean, they HAVE been in love. they have a history and emotions together. can i really compete with that? or what about tohma? i don't get it, but he seems really displeased about the idea of me being with eiri. what if he tries to sabotage it? i don't know why the hell he would have a problem with me, but i really think he does as far as eiri goes. but then he also had a huge problem with shu. i really don't understand all these convoluted relationships, and in a way i don't even want to be anywhere near it. but i can't seem to get eiri out of my head so i guess that's decided it for me. i'll do what i can to be with him unless he tells me to go away, i suppose. i just don't know what's going to happen or how i will feel if/when that does happen.

June 5th, 2006

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things are going pretty well. god, yuki eiri is so hot. i really feel like such a kid with a crush. the tiniest smile from him can make me feel so good. we kind of got caught in a compromising position by a nurse. and then later on proceeded to fool around in the bathroom. he wants to have sex. which, i guess is understandable, if you're not such a prude as i am. well, i guess i'm not, really. but my experience with other guys is VERY limited, and it's certainly a big jump for me from 69 to penetration. i don't think he sees much distinction, and i haven't really explained myself. i guess i'm just worried about looking naive...or, more to the point, too innocent for his liking. but i shouldn't worry about it too much. hopefully he's getting out of the hospital soon, and we've talked about dating in the outside world. XD things have started off really strangely, but i like how it's going so far.

i'm trying to get some studio time at NG...at this point, i fear i may have to do a little self-production. no big deal, i can handle it, it just won't sound as good as with the pros. doesn't matter, really. no one knows i've got this stuff to record, so maybe it is better if i just do it all myself. because the studio sure as hell beats the 8-track at home.

parents are bugging me to visit. hmm.

it just occurred to me. i need to introduce eiri to some nine inch nails music. he'll fall in love. XD

June 2nd, 2006

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okay so...just had to take care of some personal...business. >_>

well yesterday was...a very surprising day. well, backing up to the night before. K showed up, he's back! we bullshitted and drank all night. found out what's been going on with him...he's basically back here because he feels like he has nowhere else to be and is operating without a net at this point. i think he's keeping a whole hell of a lot inside but...that's to be expected.

also found out that yuki eiri was in the hospital after trying to kill himself. o_0 for some reason that really upset me...i think at least in part because i knew (or had heard through the grapevine at least) that he and shu had broken up, so i was worried.

so i ended up spending all day talking to him and just chilling. i actually really like talking to him. eventually...that talking somehow turned to flirting. and i just never ended up leaving, pretty much! i helped him shower...and...we kissed...and this is totally unexpected but i'm not complaining!

oh yeah before the shower and everything, K came over freaking out because...he'd slept with a stripper. a male stripper. o_0 yeah i think he is really pushing it since he's been back here...in just a couple of days! it worries me a little, because he never used to drink this much, to my knowledge.

hmm also...i think somehow eiri had me convinced that i should forget about the music business and go to school...and maybe he's right. i've been thinking about it.

this morning i woke to a rather unpleasant sight. i'd slept in bed with eiri last night but when i woke up...seguchi tohma was there. x_x not a happy thing. he was bitchy in his prissy little way, and wanted to see eiri alone. which i wasn't thrilled with, since eiri has had nothing but awful things to say about tohma. but i ended up giving them some time because eiri wanted it.

at least i got him to eat today.

and...heh, i don't know if the little "dare" we got into would count as kinky or not...it was just a weird idea. >_> after that we ended up kind of...well, not much happened, really, but it was a good preview. *_*


okay K just called...wants company to go look at condos. so i'm outta here!
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